U.S. Suddenly Remembers Bin Laden, Feeling Good

"It feels so good to hate this guy again!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Late last night President Barack Obama announced that Osama bin Laden, the leader of al Qaeda and most wanted terrorist in the world, was killed by U.S. military commandos in a daring raid. The news shocked and delighted many, causing Americans to cheer after spending a few seconds remembering who exactly bin Laden was.

The news of bin Laden’s death came months before the tenth anniversary of the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. Bin Laden was the mastermind of the attacks and was hunted for more than ten years. His death made many Americans feel emotions they had not felt in some time.

“I feel…whoa, I feel awesome,” Nancy Potts, a college student celebrating outside the White House said. “All of my adult life was spent living in the shadow of the War on Terror. This guy ruined the last ten years. And now he’s dead! So this is what happiness is!”

“I’m partying like it’s 2001, or 2002, or 2003—you know, when we actually should have caught and killed him,” she added.

“When I first heard the news I had no idea what Obama was talking about,” Alan Shapiro, a member of the Brookings Institute who lived in Manhattan during September 11, 2001, said. Shapiro was also outside of the White House, waving an American flag. “My brother called me and said to turn on the news, that we got bin Laden. At first I thought, ‘who?’ Then it sunk in. It took me a while. I mean, I hadn’t thought about that [expletive deleted] in years. I’m glad someone was thinking of him.”

Americans are elated and relieved, feelings many haven’t experienced in years. “This is so exciting,” Jenny Lee, a government worker, said. “We haven’t had good news for a long time. What with the economy and the wars and everything. It’s so strange. I’ll be honest, though, I thought bin Laden was dead. I know I haven’t thought about him for ages, but for some reason it really makes me glad he’s no longer part of this world.”

Some have criticized the celebrations and good feelings, condemning the revelers for their excessive merriment at the violent death of a human. “It’s sick,” Robert Collins, an analyst for Amnesty International, said. “People are cheering and chanting. All because we killed this one guy. Um, who was it again? Who’s dead? Who? Ohhh, yeah. Him. Wow. Actually, that’s pretty great. Look, I’m smiling. Huh.”

The President reminded the world that terrorism had not gone away overnight and that the country should take the death of bin Laden as a time to think. “I know we should pause and reflect on the bigger picture,” he said. “And honestly, I never expected to see this happen. But, damn, I’m pretty glad I did.”


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