SODA SPRINGS, ID – Local youth Jared Phillips was told by his parents, guidance counselor, pastor, friends, relatives, and strangers that his dream jobs simply don’t exist.
“I guess there are no dream jobs,” Jared told reporters. “I have no idea what I’ll do now,” he sighed.
Jared attended a career fair at his high school at the behest of his parents and when he returned home he told his parents he was severely disappointed.
“Jared came back and said he didn’t find any possible careers appealing,” mother Angela Phillips said. “He kept saying he had other ideas. That he had these lofty jobs in mind. It was so sad to crush his spirit and tell him they simply didn’t exist.”
“The boy has to grow up, might as well do it now,” father Doug Phillips said. “He has to learn he can’t do whatever he wants. He has to get a job and that’s that.” Doug, a local insurance salesman, said he always wanted to be a deep-sea diver. “But people just don’t do that. They get normal jobs doing normal things. No, I’ll never get to suit up, leave the world behind, and explore the glorious depths of our majestic oceans,” Doug said as he looked off wistfully into the distance.
Some of Jared’s dream jobs included crytozoologist, five-star hotel reviewer, and monorail conductor. Jared also hoped to be an animal-poacher hunter, or someone who finds and captures people who illegally hunt wild animals like elephants or rhinos. Another possibility for Jared was to hang around likely mob-related crime scenes in the hopes that he would witness a crime and be entered into the Witness Protection Program. Other non-existent jobs were stunt driver, writer, and mattress tester.
“I’d tell people about my dream jobs and they’d laugh at me,” Jared said. “I guess I’ll do something with computers. Yeah, computers seem to be big.”
“Maybe I can get a job as a cyborg. That’s something, right?” he added.