CENTERVILLE, IA – Workers at the country’s red tape manufacturing companies are preparing for the worst. The impending government shutdown, which may happen this Friday if a budget is not passed, will wreak havoc on the red tape industry, insiders predict.
Earl Mosely, CEO of TapeMore Enterprises, expressed dismay at the current budget situation. “If Washington can’t get their business together a lot of decent, hardworking Americans will be out of a job,” Mosely said. “We provide a vital service. If it weren’t for us, government agencies might be working at least five time more efficiently than they do now.”
“We were about to release a new product of automated red tape dispenses,” Mosely continued. “The Automatic-Bureaucratic. Top of the line machine. Now, though, it’ll be sitting on shelves. It’s gonna cost us a fortune.”
Politicians from both sides of the aisle are pointing fingers. Republicans argue that the budget is too high and needs to be trimmed, while Democrats counter that social services and safety nets need to be paid for. The Green party still exists, apparently, but can’t get a word in edgewise.
“We’re in a real bind,” Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the House Majority Whip said. “The red tape industry really helps slow government down, which we like. But if we don’t pass the budget they’ll be out of jobs, which we don’t like.”
“It’s a shame what Republicans are putting the country through,” Steny Hoyer (D-MD), the House Minority Whip, said. “They want us to de-fund so many programs. People will be out of work, without healthcare. Soldiers won’t get paid. I’m so angry, if I had my whip with me there’d be a-crackin’, that’s for sure.”
Jim Newman, a machine operator at a red tape manufacturing plant in Iowa, expressed concerns about the budget crisis.
“I need this job to feed my family,” Newman said. “We can’t eat red tape, that’s for sure.”
“Unless it’s a Fruit Roll Up, which is kind of like tape. Mm-mm, are those good,” he added while rubbing his belly.