Reporter Yearns for Shark Attack Season

He plays the Jaws theme on repeat when he writes about sharks.

NEW YORK, NY – AP reporter Kevin Driskell admitted he has grown weary of the big news stories of the past month. Instead, he yearns for the quieter, carefree days of shark attack season.

“I can’t wait for summer,” Driskell said, his desk overflowing with dispatches from Libya and Japan. “This whole year has been awful. Problems in Washington and Wisconsin. Revolutions in the Middle East. The tsunami in Japan. I need there to be some good news.”

“Shark attacks,” he added.

According to Driskell, his favorite time of year is the summer, when news typically slows and the only items to report on are barbecues, blockbusters, and bodies—horribly mangled bodies torn apart by ferocious, man-eating sharks.

Driskell keeps a picture of a Great White shark leaping out of the water tacked on his cubicle wall. “It reminds me that better times are always ahead. It helps me get through writing about the human misery and strife. God, I wish I were a shark.”

“Scaring the public and inflating reports of shark attacks is what we do best,” Driskell said. “We can really just coast. And speaking of coasts, you better stay away from the water, this year is supposed to be a doozy.”

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