Unemployment Numbers To Skyrocket, Deepening Recession
Fate Of Country’s Sanity Hangs In Balance
NEW YORK, NY – A nation reacts with horror and grief upon hearing the news that Charlie Sheen, actor and spokesperson for the mentally ill, has been laid off from his job.
Presses were stopped as newsmen and women around the globe reset their printing blocks to rush out an evening edition of their papers to alert the good citizens of the tragic news. Youths toppled cars and set them aflame. People were seen wandering around aimlessly, sitting on curbs while silently staring at their hands or mumbling incoherently.
The stock market plummeted while shares of municipal bonds and companies that make sticks wrapped in barbed wire rose slightly in preparation for the oncoming apocalypse. The nation’s unemployment numbers, which had been declining in the previous months, jumped like a man filled with tiger’s blood being shot out of an F-18 fighter jet.
Sheen’s layoff has been causing unforeseen consequences. Sports franchises threaten to shut down, the price of oil may reach $200 a barrel, and Netflix may not be able to keep up with the demand for the onslaught of customers looking to rent Major League, so that they might hearken back to simpler times.
People across the land are being adversely affected by the tragedy. A woman in Nevada stubbed her toe as a result of Sheen’s departure from his current gig. A baby spit up his strained peas upon hearing the news and wailed for over ten minutes without respite. A young man was also laid off from his job at a silver mine, claiming a vast conspiracy that stretched all the way to the halls of power. He believed he was let go simply because he expressed his fondness for The Arrival, which he claimed was “a really underrated sci-fi flick.”
Chaos swirls like the great dust storm that has just formed and is currently decimating the western half of the country. The President has called for calm but has mobilized the armed forces to begin rounding up dissidents into labor camps. Confused radicals have stormed government buildings trying to release imprisoned animals, while freedom fighters went to the zoo and were eaten by lions. Scientists are scrambling to board their rocketships that will take them to the moon and away from this furious hellscape.
Jon Cryer, Sheen’s costar from Two and a Half Men, has yet to be told of Sheen’s departure.
As the nation plummets into blackness we can only hope and pray that our tattered remains will be preserved in the radioactive ash after the nuclear fallout, so that the aliens who will visit in 2012 will know that sentient beings once ruled this harsh rock, and that there was a time when we embodied the noble ideals we once preached.
In other news, the royal wedding of William and Kate is just weeks away!