Monthly Archives: March 2011

Kevin Bacon Tired Of Getting Resumes From Strangers

"Please go ask Samuel L. Jackson. He's been in, like, twice as many movies as me."

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Kevin Bacon reported he is tired of receiving resumes and cover letters from complete strangers who claim to be connected to the actor by six degrees of separation or less. Continue reading

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Man Asks Media To Stop Producing Content So He Can Catch Up

"Oh Christ, how many kinds of LOLcats are there?"

ST. CLOUD, MN – Derek Lundgarden kindly asked the media yesterday if they would please stop making books, magazines, movies, music, art, theater, video games, and other forms of entertainment so he could catch up. Continue reading

Animal Activists Free Schrödinger’s Cat

The cat is more confused than anyone.

PRINCETON, NJ – Animal activists celebrated today after they successfully freed a cat that was being used in a famous thought experiment. Continue reading

Choir Wouldn’t Mind Getting Preached To

There's always that one white person.

Reporter Yearns for Shark Attack Season

He plays the Jaws theme on repeat when he writes about sharks.

NEW YORK, NY – AP reporter Kevin Driskell admitted he has grown weary of the big news stories of the past month. Instead, he yearns for the quieter, carefree days of shark attack season. Continue reading

Astronomer Realizes He’s Been Practicing Astrology All These Years

"You mean I've been looking through a horoscope instead of a telescope this whole time?"

Hip Hop Artist Shocked To Discover Rhyming Dictionary

"This is crazy, I can just be lazy and my rhymes won't be hazy!"