HOLLYWOOD, CA – The nation’s overburdened and burnt-out schoolteachers marched on Hollywood yesterday, demanding that more classic books be turned into movies.
“Hollywood, hear our cries!” English teacher Donna Moskovitz yelled at Warner Brothers studio heads. “Why hasn’t anyone made a movie of Catcher in the Rye yet?”
Teachers voiced their concerns that not enough novels are available in easy-to-view movie form. While many great works of literature have been adapted, the teachers argued there was still room for improvement.
“Do you know how great it is to turn off the lights and throw in a DVD?” substitute teacher Ron Hessler asked. “It’s the best thing in the world. And the kids love it too. They love it more than us actually teaching the thing. Think of the children!”
“Every year we teach the same stuff,” Moskovitz said. “And let me tell you, it gets tiring. We just want the kids to experience these books as they were meant to—as poorly conceived Hollywood adaptations.”
Hollywood is countering the claims made by the teachers, saying they already adapt plenty of books.
“We’ve got a new Jane Eyre coming out soon,” one studio exec, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “There’s plenty on the slate. There’s a Red Riding Hood adaptation, a Snow White. Uh,Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? What else do they want?”
The teachers chided the executives for his insensitive remarks. “We do appreciate all Hollywood has done, but these ‘updates’ and ‘reimaginings’ simply will not fly,” Moskovitz said. “The loose adaptation, like last year’s retelling of The Scarlet Letter, Easy A, is fine and fun and we can make kids write papers comparing and contrasting. That’s great. But don’t push it.”
In addition, teachers hoped Hollywood would remake the black-and-white film adaptations that already exist, as kids “don’t consider those real movies.”
Other teachers also asked for more movies to be made about math equations and doing push-ups, because “teaching that stuff is too hard.”