Mubarak: “I Was Going To Retire Next Week, But Fine, I’ll Leave Now”

"Oh, and I'm taking some mummies, too. Those were in the office when I moved in, so they're mine now."

SHARM EL-SHEIKH, EGYPT – Hosni Mubarak has resigned as President of Egypt after days of protest, but according to the deposed leader he “was going to retire next week,” anyway.

“You can check my calendars,” the former dictator said. “February 18th. It’s circled in red pen. That was when I was going to step down and retire. But will anyone believe me now? Noooo.”

Protesters had taken to the streets of Cairo in the past week, calling on the 82-year-old leader to step down so Egypt can be a democratic country. Mubarak, who has served as the head of Egypt’s government since 1981, said he was looking forward to his calm and peaceful twilight years.

“Now it looks like [the Egyptian people] threw me out. But I had been planning to step down all along, I swear,” Mubarak said from a resort in southern Egypt. “I was going to write or start painting, but now I’ll probably have to leave the country.”

“Oh, and I was going to institute some sweeping reforms before I left. It was going to be all very orderly,” Mubarak continued. “Try having the military, Omar [the country’s Vice President], the Muslim Brotherhood, or any of those knuckleheads in the street lead a peaceful transition of power. I was going to do it, but now I won’t even offer.”

When asked about his immediate plans, Mubarak said he would consider moving to Tunisia or Yemen. “I heard they need a new dictator there,” he said. “If they won’t let me retire, might as well keep working.”

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