LOS ANGELES, CA – Serial killers across the nation put down their knives, stowed away their handcuffs, and unlocked their cellars due to the utter state of confusion they were thrown into this past week after astrologers released a new set of Zodiac dates.
According to astrologers, the Zodiac dates needed to be adjusted to account for subtle shifts in the earth’s axis that occur over thousands of years. A new Zodiac calendar was released where some signs correspond with completely new dates. People who were Virgos, for example, can now be Libras.
Serial killers are up in arms, some literally, over the change. “I’m supposed to eat my latest victim at the dawn of the next phase,” Detroit-area mass murderer and cannibal Ernie Minkowski said. “Now I’m not sure when that is, or will be. I’m in a tizzy.”
“I had a great series of letter with cryptograms referencing the Zodiac signs I was going to mail to the newspaper,” a Boston-based serial killer, “The Piano Wire Strangler,” said. “They’re useless now. I’m so depressed.”
“I have to completely rearrange my schedule,” L.A.-based serial killer Pat “The Butcher” Swanson said. “My cycle is all out of whack. I could kill whoever did this.”