LAS VEGAS, NV – Construction workers quickly and quietly began erecting border crossings at the Arizona state line last night, with the hopes that residents of the Copper State failed to notice the rest of the country seceded, leaving Arizona to be its own sovereign nation.
“We’ve come to realize that Arizona would be better off by itself,” President Obama whispered to reporters from the Rose Garden. “Effective immediately, the United States does not recognize Arizona to be part of our great Union. Sure, we’ll lose the Grand Canyon, but the pros definitely outweigh the cons.”
“And to bring us back to a solid fifty-state country, I propose we finally let Puerto Rico in the club. It’s win-win!” the President added.
Arizona has had its share of controversy over the last few months, including the recent shooting tragedy. Between the uproar over the state’s harsh immigration law, the polarizing public officials like Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Senator John McCain, and the thousands of deadly scorpions that roam the land, the rest of the country simply felt it was a state that had lost its way.
“I’m so glad we’re seceding,” Governor Susana Martinez of New Mexico said. “It’s bad enough being neighbors, but the thought of them being their own country is comforting. They didn’t really bring much to the table, anyway.”
Some Americans have mixed feelings on the issue. Bill Henderson from Delaware is unsure of how he feels. “I’ve always wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, but now it’ll be an extra hassle to show my passport and all that,” Henderson said. “And my folks are in a retirement home there, so not having them in the U.S. means it’ll be more of a pain to go and see them.”
“Though I guess now I have a good excuse not to go,” he added.
Officials hope that Arizonans don’t realize they are no longer a state for at least a couple of days. However, given the fierce anti-federalist sentiment in the state, officials believe they have little cause for concern.
“They’ll probably be glad, come to think of it,” said Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar. “But the rest of us will, too. And if they complain, well, we can just build a border fence like they’ve always wanted.”