BOULDER, CO – An area man is thrilled that winter has once again come to pass so he can use hats and scarves to hide his physical imperfections.
“Finally, I can go out in public and enjoy myself,” the man said, his voice muffled by his thick scarf. The man was decked out in a heavy parka, sweaters, boots, a wool cap, and gloves. “No one will notice my extra-dry hands. I don’t have to clip my fingernails as often, either,” he said, holding up his gloved hands.
Wherever the man goes he remains covered in winter wear from head to toe. “I can get fat and people will think it’s just layers. But I’m really only wearing one sweater and nothing underneath,” the man said. “Sure, I sweat buckets when I’m inside, but hey, it’s worth it.”
Sometimes the man will go around unkempt and fool people into thinking the harsh weather is simply to blame. “I don’t shave, but that’s cause I’m ‘growing a beard to stay warm,’” the man said. “Or if my hair’s a mess I tell people I just took off my cap and it’s hat hair. Works every time.”
“Sometimes I wish I lived in Antarctica. I could be like this year round,” he said. He admitted to using his scarf to cover his acne and scars. “It’s great, it’s like wearing a costume,” the man said. “No one can see my flaws.”
“Especially my herpes,” he added.