BRUSSELS, BELGIUM – The European Union officially opened an antitrust case against Ferrero, the Italian company that makes Nutella, citing it had monopolized the creamy chocolate-hazelnut spread market.
“When you think of the delicious taste of hazelnut mixed with chocolate, you immediately think of Nutella,” Herman Van Rompuy, head of the European Commission, said. “But can you name any other brand of such a spread? You cannot. We simply believe Nutella has grown too big and we are trying to give small business a chance.”
“What’s that? Oh, oh my chin? You’re kidding, that’s so embarrassing. Yes, I had some Nutella for breakfast,” he added.
The spread is known worldwide for its great taste and is used in crepes, peanut butter sandwiches, and just about anything else when you really, really want some awesome chocolate.
“Coke has its Pepsi. Microsoft has its Apple. For every Herr Strudelmeister there is a Fraülein von Blätterteig,” Pierre Beignet, the lawyer in charge of the suit, said. “Every large corporation has competition. It is healthy. Just like Nutella, which has a good source of protein. They’re so great. I really don’t want this job.”
Pundits predict the EU will have a difficult time breaking up Nutella as it is so universally loved. However, not everyone is fond of the mouth-watering, miraculous foodstuff.
“I am just trying to get by,” Xuan Avelã, a Portuguese small-business owner said. “I am trying to start my own company that sells smooth chocolate mixed with different kind of nut flavors. But no one will even consider buying my product because of Nutella. What am I to do? I even have a great name: ‘ChocoNut Goo’. With a name like that it would fly off the shelves, but no store will take it!”
“This suit is utter nonsense,” Giovanni Cioccolato, a representative for Ferrero, said. “We just put out the best product we can, and it’s not our fault if the consumers only choose us. I’m eating some Nutella right now, even though it’s four in the afternoon. Just with a spoon. That’s how good it is. Mmmm.”
Should the EU win its case against Nutella, the chocolate company will be fined and forced to give each member of the government one of those new packets of Nutella that come with dipping cookies for free.