WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Drug Administration is imposing hefty fines on drug companies for making their products “too darn delicious,” as one administrator said.“While we commend the big drug companies for making medicine palatable to Americans, we cannot condone just how tasty their medicine is,” FDA official Herman Skylark said. “I mean, have you tried this new ACT Vanilla Mint Restoring Mouthwash? I almost drank the whole bottle it’s so good.”
The FDA and consumer groups have also cited reports of young people abusing tasty medicines to become intoxicated. “Kids will drink cough syrup to get buzzed,” Skylark said. “Rappers do this, too. And I don’t think it’s the buzz they’re after, it’s the sweet, sweet syrup.”
Not everyone agrees that the companies are at fault. Jim DiMalco, a representative from pharmaceutical giant Johnson & Johnson, one of the companies hit with the fines, told reporters the government was being too controlling of American business. “We try to make the best product, and clearly the American public has responded by buying more medicine than ever,” Jim said. “We are keeping people healthy. Just look at our liquid Amoxicillin. Kids love that pink stuff. I keep some in my flask right here. Wait—scratch that last part.”
Parents, meanwhile, said they didn’t care what the medicine tasted like, they just want more medicine that will simply knock them, and their kids, unconscious.