America Too Lazy To Just Give Up

EVERYWHERE, U.S.A. – The nation collectively agreed, after much prodding and reluctance, that it would simply give up if it weren’t so lazy.Americans everywhere felt that they have had enough and were ready to quit, but doing so would require effort they just didn’t have. “I’m done with all this, man,” Jeff Frehley, a computer programmer, said. “Things are bad and only getting worse. There’s no point in trying, might as well give in to the inevitable,” he said, his hand searching for the last remaining kernels of popcorn.

“I was thinking I’d quit my job, maybe get some cheap land somewhere out West or south of the border,” Alice Moss, a grocery store bagger, said. “Go off the grid, you know. Leave all this nonsense behind. But doing all that would take a lot of effort, which I could apply to maybe going back to school or finishing that screenplay.” Moss accidentally dropped some eggs she was placing in bag but shrugged it off.

“I’ve pretty much done all I could do. We’re already so far in the toilet, we should just sit back and let the Chinese buy us out, let us just spend what little we’ve got and sail into the sunset,” President Barack Obama told reporters. “I’ll probably stop trying next year, though, when the novelty of this gig has fully worn off.”


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