SUNNYVALE, CA – Area man Doug Stapleton had a tough time choosing a cap to cover his balding head yesterday due to the overwhelming amount of options at his disposal.
“It’s about time I get a hat to cover up my shame,” Stapleton said, referring to his receding hairline and bald spot. “There are just so many choices, you know?”
Looking at caps with team logos made Stapleton more flustered. “There’s like four sports teams in the area,” he said, holding a San Francisco Giants hat in one hand and an Oakland Athletics hat in the other. He also had to contend with the San Francisco 49ers, the Oakland Raiders, the Oakland Warriors, and the San Jose Sharks. To make matters worse, however, was when Stapleton admitted that he wasn’t even a sports fan.
“Maybe I can get a fedora,” Stapleton said. “Mad Men is big now.” Earlier in the week Stapleton had looked at beanies, berets, bowler hats, skull caps, bandannas, cowboy hats, top hats, and, in a moment of desperation, wigs.
“I’ll probably just shave my head,” Stapleton said in defeat.