PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – Large-scale festivities are planned around North Korea today as the nation celebrates it’s forty-ninth anniversary, despite the fact the current government has been in place for sixty-two years.
North Korea, officially known as the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, is a totalitarian Stalinist dictatorship ruled with an iron fist by Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il. Jong-il, who claims to be the inventor of Velcro and the only person to be able to drink a gallon of milk without getting sick, will lead a large celebration of his country’s modern founding.
“It was some time ago—not too long, you know, we’re not old geezers yet—when we broke off from ‘Worst Korea’ and became a sovereign nation,” Jong-il told reporters who were being held at gunpoint. “Now we are the mightiest nation on Earth and we will prosper for eternity!” he added.
In the nation’s capital parades of soldiers will march alongside rockets and cruise missiles to commemorate the nation’s founding, the same as they do every day at 8:00 am, 12:00 pm, and 4:00 pm. Across the land the starving populace will give thanks to their great leader with displays of sobbing and fatigue due to malnutrition. Workers sent to reeducation camps and political dissidents will also celebrate the anniversary by waving North Korean flags as they are tortured.
Kim Jong-il will read an epic poem he wrote describing the events that took place sixty-two years ago. Jong-il gave reporters a preview of his poem yesterday. “Forty-nine years ago,” Jong-il said with a wink, “when our Soviet brothers said ‘we’ll see ya’ / We became the Best Korea. We told the South we are not one / Blessed be our founder, Kim Il-sung.” The reading is expected to last three hours and it will be accompanied by an interpretive dance.
While the anniversary is cause for celebration, the bigger event is expected to come at the end of the day when Kim Jong-il will announce his replacement. “When I am fortunate enough to have my personal spacecraft completed and be sent to live with my ancestors in the center of the sun, my successor will continue my policies and bring our great Republic into the 21st century!” read a prepared statement leaked to the press.
No one is sure who the replacement will be, but sources suggest it will be Kim Chi, Kim Jong-il’s favorite koi fish.