MADISON, WI – An employee at local accounting firm Liebner, Morris, & Pine was sentenced to 3-5 budget meetings for stealing office supplies. The employee, Jerry Wozowski, will have to attend between three and five dreaded meetings where the board discusses the firm’s budget.
Wozowski was caught stealing some binders from an office supply closet and was quickly reprimanded. After an initial investigation, it was later revealed that Wozowski was responsible for a long string of thefts. He later admitted to taking home more office supplies and tried to account for his actions.
“They don’t pay me much here,” Wozowski said. “Things are hurting with the economy and everything. My wife got laid off. I just took the binders for my kid’s back-to-school supplies.”
Despite his pleas and calls for leniency, Alison Hayweather, the firm’s administrative assistant and chief liaison to HR, was unsympathetic. “I have to order these supplies and it’s just not respectful,” she said. “Sure, I’d like to take home stuff too. Once I accidentally took home a pen, but I brought it right back.” It is believed that Hayweather spotted Wozowski commit the crime and report him to HR.
Under their strict no stealing policy, HR was forced to sentence Wozowski. “He’s a good kid, but the rules are the rules,” HR Assistant Director Beth Hamilton said. “We would have given him a slap on the wrist for the binders, but when it was revealed he had been stealing toilet paper, staplers, lightbulbs, even milk from the kitchen, then we had to do what’s right.”
For his punishment, Wozowski will attend and take minutes for the monthly budget meetings, a two-hour minimum gathering where members of the firm’s board discuss earnings and projections. The meeting is also a forum for all works to express their ideas on how the company can save money, which adds to the tedium and soul-crushing boredom of the meeting. It is also common for the CEO and CFO to blame all financial setbacks on one person in the room, usually the minute-taker.
Upon completion of his sentence, Wozowski will be on probation where he will have to be the only guy to change the water cooler jugs.
When asked if he was sorry for his crimes, a defiant Wozowski told reporters he realizes what he did was wrong, but was more sorry he got caught. “I knew I should have taken that printer when I had the chance. I could’ve sold that baby on eBay,” he said.