INDIANAPOLIS, IN – In a stunning crime that has shocked the community, a group of gangster elephants robbed a local warehouse and stole fifty tons of peanuts.
Some guards were injured in the assault but there were no fatalities. The elephants charged into the warehouse, guns blazing, demanding that workers place peanuts in their sacks.
“It was really scary,” Gus Hamerswil, a worker at the warehouse, said. “All of a sudden I’m told to get on the floor and stay there. I’m just glad to be out of there alive.”
One guard, Jim Blowfield, was about to trip the silent alarm when one member of the gang, Calf Face Nielson, stepped on Blowfield’s hand, crushing it.
The herd is believed to be led by notorious criminal mastermind John “Trunks” Dapperman, an outlaw known for his daring heists of peanut farms. It is believed cohorts broke Dapperman out of the circus where he was currently housed by authorities for lesser crimes such as spraying crowds with water from his trunk and drunken and disorderly conduct.
“Some may say that John ‘Trunks’ Dapperman isn’t afraid of mice,” Federal Bureau of Investigation Special Agent Marvin Percy told reporters. “But I assure you, ‘Trunks’ and his gang will be scared of me. I won’t rest until this public menace and his ilk are behind bars. Very large, strong bars.”
Although authorities are on the hunt for the gang, others consider the elephants to be folk heroes. “They ain’t hurting no one,” Irma Wilbank, a local store clerk, said. “They just take some peanuts from the big agribusinesses, not the small farmers. I hope they never get caught,” she said.
The gang, which is believed to include other felons like Gumbo Grey and Pretty Boy Peaches, is said to have committed numerous legume robberies throughout the Midwest. However, those crimes were minor compared to yesterday’s incident.
A note was left at the scene of the crime, indicating that the prideful pachyderms are taunting the police. The note read, “Hate to mention the You-Know-What in the room, but Tusk luck you didn’t catch us.”