Monthly Archives: August 2010

Squirrel Has Death Wish


"Obama’s Taking Too Many Vacations," Says Congressman On Summer Recess

Bird Walks On Ground Next To Man Just To Taunt Him

In New Tell-All, Tiffany Brissette—TV’s Vicki The Robot—Reveals She’s A Real Android

BOULDER, CO – Tiffany Brissette, who played Vicki the Robot on TV’s Small Wonder, revealed that she is in fact an actual android. Continue reading

Employee Caught Stealing Office Supplies Sentenced To Three-To-Five Budget Meetings

MADISON, WI – An employee at local accounting firm Liebner, Morris, & Pine was sentenced to 3-5 budget meetings for stealing office supplies. The employee, Jerry Wozowski, will have to attend between three and five dreaded meetings where the board discusses the firm’s budget.

Wozowski was caught stealing some binders from an office supply closet and was quickly reprimanded. After an initial investigation, it was later revealed that Wozowski was responsible for a long string of thefts. He later admitted to taking home more office supplies and tried to account for his actions.

“They don’t pay me much here,” Wozowski said. “Things are hurting with the economy and everything. My wife got laid off. I just took the binders for my kid’s back-to-school supplies.”

Despite his pleas and calls for leniency, Alison Hayweather, the firm’s administrative assistant and chief liaison to HR, was unsympathetic. “I have to order these supplies and it’s just not respectful,” she said. “Sure, I’d like to take home stuff too. Once I accidentally took home a pen, but I brought it right back.” It is believed that Hayweather spotted Wozowski commit the crime and report him to HR.

Under their strict no stealing policy, HR was forced to sentence Wozowski. “He’s a good kid, but the rules are the rules,” HR Assistant Director Beth Hamilton said. “We would have given him a slap on the wrist for the binders, but when it was revealed he had been stealing toilet paper, staplers, lightbulbs, even milk from the kitchen, then we had to do what’s right.”

For his punishment, Wozowski will attend and take minutes for the monthly budget meetings, a two-hour minimum gathering where members of the firm’s board discuss earnings and projections. The meeting is also a forum for all works to express their ideas on how the company can save money, which adds to the tedium and soul-crushing boredom of the meeting. It is also common for the CEO and CFO to blame all financial setbacks on one person in the room, usually the minute-taker.

Upon completion of his sentence, Wozowski will be on probation where he will have to be the only guy to change the water cooler jugs.

When asked if he was sorry for his crimes, a defiant Wozowski told reporters he realizes what he did was wrong, but was more sorry he got caught. “I knew I should have taken that printer when I had the chance. I could’ve sold that baby on eBay,” he said. 

FDA Investigators Increase Number Of Tainted Eggs To "All Of Them"

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Food and Drug Administration has concluded that the salmonella outbreak that began at an Iowa egg farm last week is worse than previously thought. After extensive investigations, FDA officials have announced that nearly 99.9% of all eggs, everywhere, can contain trace amounts of salmonella.

“It appears that no egg is safe,” FDA Assistant Deputy Commissioner for Foods Michael Tyler said in a prepared statement. “Upon reviewing our data, eggs throughout our country, very possibly the world, can carry the salmonella bacteria. We urge citizens to remain calm and to refrain from eating eggs for the time being.” Tyler specified that any type of egg, including brown, white, and especially jumbo eggs are unsafe. Eggs from duck and other fowl are also contaminated, he said. “We’re not sure about platypus eggs,” Tyler added. “We’re working on that, but I wouldn’t eat those. That’s just weird.”

The salmonella bacteria is usually transferred through contact with animal feces. The bacteria can cause food poisoning and in certain cases even death. There is currently no vaccine for salmonellosis, the disease attributed to salmonella, though in 2008 antibodies to the bacteria were found in a group of Malawian children.

The recent outbreak of salmonella is just another in a long list of recent epidemics, according to the FDA and Center for Disease Control. Both agencies have issued health alerts as well as advisories on how to remain healthy. According to the CDC website, one way to prevent infection is to not eat raw eggs.

“I can’t believe all eggs are unhealthy,” Dominic Mastriano, a local personal trainer said. “I usually start off each day drinking three or four raw eggs, like in Rocky. At lunch I have an omelet and at dinner I sometimes have some kind of egg-based pastry. I don’t know what to do,” Mastriano said.

To make matters worse, the outbreak seems to have spread to other foods. “We are reviewing the possibility that chickens have also become infected with salmonella,” Deputy Commissioner Tyler said at his briefing. “Please, whatever you do, do not eat raw chicken.”

Egg and poultry producers are already beginning to feel the effects of the outbreak. “I might lose my business,” farmer Al Banyon of Galt, Iowa, said. “I’m not sure I can hold out until Easter when things might pick up again,” Banyon said.

In addition to salmonella, authorities also warn that eggs are high in cholesterol, and recommend regular exercise to maintain good heart health, though officials are dubious Americans will heed that warning. 

Templar Knight Protests "Ground Zero Mosque"

NEW YORK, NY – One of the few remaining Knight Templars appeared in New York yesterday to protest the proposed Islamic community center to be built two blocks from Ground Zero.

The knight, Godfrey de Payens, belongs to the Order of the Temple, or the Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ and the Temple of Solomon. The Order, created around 1119 A.D., consists of soldiers who fought during the Crusades to reclaim Jerusalem for Christianity. de Payens approved of the protests against the Cordoba House, an Islamic community center that will have a swimming pool, auditorium, and mosque. “I am here to show my support for the protesters and my allegiance to my God and my King,” de Payens exclaimed. “I also hope to catch a Broadway show. Maybe The Lion King or Wicked, if I can get cheap tickets.”