WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to save costs and help lower the deficit, President Obama announced today he will sign an executive order effectively dismantling the Coast Guard.
“I don’t really know what we use it for,” the President said in a statement. “I mean, we have the Navy. And they can’t be doing much in Iraq and Afghanistan—two landlocked, desert countries.” In addition to using the Navy to help rescue stranded boaters or aid in disaster relief, the President also said most coastal municipalities are equipped with maritime police. “I mean really, what does the Coast Guard do?” he continued.
The leading commander of the Coast Guard, Admiral Robert J. Papp, reluctantly agreed with his Commander-in-Chief. “To be honest, we mostly spent our time training for…something. I’m not even sure what we do. We did go fishing a lot,” Papp said. “I’m an admiral! Can you believe that?” he added, showing off his admiral cap.
President Obama acknowledged that this is only a temporary arrangement, and he hopes that once the economy improves the Coast Guard can be reformed. “I’m sure people can find lots of useful things to do with the equipment. We won’t let it go to waste,” he said. “We’re thinking of charging money for helicopter rides and whale-watching tours. It’ll be a lot of fun.”
“I’m confident the Coast Guard won’t be gone forever,” the President added. “Once the ice caps melt and we live in a hellish, Waterworld-like seascape, we’ll need the Coast Guard to do, uh, whatever it is they do.”