PASADENA, CA – Scientists at the California Institute of Technology made a shocking breakthrough yesterday when they discovered members of the opposite sex.
The team of researchers, led by Professor Barnabus T. Flintwaddle, first came across the female species while venturing away from their lab to order lunch at the school cafeteria. It was there the scientists spotted a group of women, a species previously unbeknownst to the team.
“It was quite exciting—nerve-racking, in fact,” Professor Flintwaddle told reporters. “I had to remove my extra-thick glasses to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. It turns out I was seeing something completely new!”
The team spent the remainder of the lunch hour observing the subjects. The findings were impressive, according to another member of the team, grad student Herbert Pinkerspill. “We believe the female communicates through incessant talking,” Pinkerspill said, adjusting his overly-large bow-tie. “They seem to have a language all of their own, which we will probably never decipher. We thought of sending [grad student Dexter] McHutchins to try and talk to a female but he computed the statistical probability of success was too low without further research.”
Professor Flintwaddle and his team returned to their lab filled with buzzing and blinking machines, smoking test tubes, and beakers filled with brightly-colored liquids in order to continue their study. “Clearly we need more preparations before going back in the field,” Professor Flintwaddle said. “Females emit an intoxicating perfume that completely paralyzes us. That, along with their stunning good looks, seems to have hypnotized jocks into protecting them. It’ll be a while before we can make contact.”
Some members of the team, who wish to remain nameless, are not sure the endeavor is worth it. “We’re so close to finishing our original research,” the team member said. “Cold fusion could be a reality tomorrow if we don’t get sidetracked. But most of the guys are trying to comb down their cowlicks or they’re polishing their calculators,” the scientist said. “I bet the girls have cooties, anyway.”