PENSACOLA, FL – Area newborn Tomas Hernandez is tired of others treating him with disrespect. “Whenever people talk to me they just make ridiculous noises, like I’m some sort of moron,” Tomas told reporters. “It’s all ‘Goo goo, gah gah.” The infant tolerated the taunts at first, he said, because he thought it was a usual rite of passage people went through.
But after a while, and after countless “Mooshy moos” or “Wisha washas,” Baby Tomas had enough. “Just because I can’t feed myself or control my bowels does not mean I’m an idiot,” Tomas said. “Sure, my brain function is limited at best, but talk to me like a normal person. Read Shakespeare to me or something. How am I going to get ahead in this world if I don’t develop linguistic and cognitive skills before the other guys?” he asked.
Tomas’s parents took the news rather lightly. “Who said that?” they asked. “Who’s a good boy? Whosa boopy boody?”
“I don’t know what else to do,” Tomas said. “I guess I’ll try stooping to their level, then maybe adding a ‘mama’ or ‘dada’ in the mix and hopefully ramp things up.”
“They talk to the dog more intelligently than they talk to me,” he added.