TULSA, OK – Despite her best efforts, area teen Liz Harper was unable to mock the Fourth of July holiday while at her family’s barbecue. “So, like, yeah, it’s historically accurate, unlike other holidays,” Liz said. “They actually did sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4.”
Described as a “typical, moody girl,” by family members, Liz displayed uncharacteristic warmth during her family event. Some sources claim it may be due to imbalanced hormones while others suggest it is early onset patriotism. “She’s usually so cynical,” her father, Jim Harper, said. “But today I think I noticed her nose ring is red, white, and blue.”
“I mean, it’s not like it’s such a great day,” Liz said sardonically between bites of watermelon. “Just because the Confederacy surrendered at the Battle of Gettysburg on July 4th doesn’t mean we celebrate that too, okay. And just because it also happened to be General Grant’s birthday doesn’t make it more special.”
Earlier in the day Liz had tried to ruin and belittle the holiday for her younger sister Jaime, according to the sibling. “She handed me this book [Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States] and told me to read it. When I asked which chapter she just told me to shut up.” Then, according to reports, Jaime went on Wikipedia and told Liz July 4th also marked the announcement of the Louisiana Purchase and the start of construction on the Eerie Canal. Upon hearing the news Liz stomped out of the room.
At the barbecue, however, Liz began to acknowledge July 4th wasn’t that bad a holiday after all. “All these holidays are so commercial, you know. This one is too. Kinda. I do like the sparklers, though,” she said. Tonight she plans to watch the Will Smith blockbuster Independence Day with her friends. “I love that speech the president gives before he flies the jet and blasts the aliens,” she told reporters.
Still, her cynical side was not totally dormant. “What’s the next holiday, Labor Day? Man, that thing is such BS. Especially cause I have to go back to school the next day,” she said.