Monthly Archives: July 2010

Bedbugs Give Sealy Posturepedic Mattresses Top Honor

Adults Learn About Fun At "Bring Your Parents To Summer Vacation Day"

FRANKLIN LAKES, NJ – Seeing an adult play and romp in the sunshine is certainly an odd site, but grown-ups across the country were doing just that yesterday. Children were able to show their moms and dads what life is like for them during the “Take Your Parents To Summer Vacation Day.” The day, an unofficial holiday, gives parents an inside look at a world they have since long forgotten. “It’s nice to give my dad an opportunity to see how we spend our day,” Jamie Tilman, age 8, said. “Sure, we don’t get much actual playtime done, but it’s a nice break in the week.” Parents here were seen playing tag, hopscotch, and waiting for the ice cream truck. At the end of the day it was evident that many parents enjoyed their time and were sad to go back to work the next day. “My dad cried and cried,” Tilman said. “It was kind of cute, knowing he’ll never regain that lost innocence of youth. But there’s always next year.”

Man Falls Off Cliff To Conquer Fear Of Heights

GUNNISON NATIONAL PARK, CO – Area man Doug Hertzfeld decided to conquer his fear of heights once and for all by falling off a cliff. In a new field of therapy called Exposure Therapy, patients are required to face their deepest and darkest phobias head on in the most direct way possible, and Hertzfeld believes the only way to not be afraid of falling is to experience the situation firsthand. Upon falling off the cliff, Hertzfeld also expects to conquer his fear of death.

U.S. Shuts Down Coast Guard In Cost-Cutting Initiative

WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to save costs and help lower the deficit, President Obama announced today he will sign an executive order effectively dismantling the Coast Guard.

“I don’t really know what we use it for,” the President said in a statement. “I mean, we have the Navy. And they can’t be doing much in Iraq and Afghanistan—two landlocked, desert countries.” In addition to using the Navy to help rescue stranded boaters or aid in disaster relief, the President also said most coastal municipalities are equipped with maritime police. “I mean really, what does the Coast Guard do?” he continued.

The leading commander of the Coast Guard, Admiral Robert J. Papp, reluctantly agreed with his Commander-in-Chief. “To be honest, we mostly spent our time training for…something. I’m not even sure what we do. We did go fishing a lot,” Papp said. “I’m an admiral! Can you believe that?” he added, showing off his admiral cap.

President Obama acknowledged that this is only a temporary arrangement, and he hopes that once the economy improves the Coast Guard can be reformed. “I’m sure people can find lots of useful things to do with the equipment. We won’t let it go to waste,” he said. “We’re thinking of charging money for helicopter rides and whale-watching tours. It’ll be a lot of fun.”

“I’m confident the Coast Guard won’t be gone forever,” the President added. “Once the ice caps melt and we live in a hellish, Waterworld-like seascape, we’ll need the Coast Guard to do, uh, whatever it is they do.” 

Scientists Discover Women

PASADENA, CA – Scientists at the California Institute of Technology made a shocking breakthrough yesterday when they discovered members of the opposite sex.

The team of researchers, led by Professor Barnabus T. Flintwaddle, first came across the female species while venturing away from their lab to order lunch at the school cafeteria. It was there the scientists spotted a group of women, a species previously unbeknownst to the team.

“It was quite exciting—nerve-racking, in fact,” Professor Flintwaddle told reporters. “I had to remove my extra-thick glasses to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. It turns out I was seeing something completely new!”

The team spent the remainder of the lunch hour observing the subjects. The findings were impressive, according to another member of the team, grad student Herbert Pinkerspill. “We believe the female communicates through incessant talking,” Pinkerspill said, adjusting his overly-large bow-tie. “They seem to have a language all of their own, which we will probably never decipher. We thought of sending [grad student Dexter] McHutchins to try and talk to a female but he computed the statistical probability of success was too low without further research.”

Professor Flintwaddle and his team returned to their lab filled with buzzing and blinking machines, smoking test tubes, and beakers filled with brightly-colored liquids in order to continue their study. “Clearly we need more preparations before going back in the field,” Professor Flintwaddle said. “Females emit an intoxicating perfume that completely paralyzes us. That, along with their stunning good looks, seems to have hypnotized jocks into protecting them. It’ll be a while before we can make contact.”

Some members of the team, who wish to remain nameless, are not sure the endeavor is worth it. “We’re so close to finishing our original research,” the team member said. “Cold fusion could be a reality tomorrow if we don’t get sidetracked. But most of the guys are trying to comb down their cowlicks or they’re polishing their calculators,” the scientist said. “I bet the girls have cooties, anyway.”    

U.S. Congress Enjoying 0% Unemployment

Newest Blog-to-Book About Oddly Placed Electrical Outlets

NEW YORK, NY – The newest book sensation to hit the publishing world is a blog-to-book called Freaking Outlet and is based on the blog of the same name. The blog, and book, feature photos of electrical outlets placed in out-of-reach positions. Occasionally, a photo will be accompanied by a witty or pun-based quote, usually revolving around not having any power. Freaking Outlet is the latest in the tradition of blog-to-books, a recent trend in publishing many thought was waning. Other books in this genre include LOLCats, Look At This F**king Hipster, Garfield Minus Garfield, Stuff White People Like, S**t My Dad Says, Pets Who Want To Kill Themselves, and This Is Why You’re Fat, among others. Publishing insiders are not sure why the reading public wants to pay for content that is available for free online, but, as one source put it, “we’ll take what we can get.”