Ban Lifted, Criminals Ditch Handguns For Being "Lame"

CHICAGO, IL – After the Supreme Court ruled that a handgun ban in the city of Chicago was unconstitutional, criminals in the city gave up their weapons because they were no longer cool.

The Supreme Court’s controversial 5-4 ruling on the ban has left thugs and robbers in the Windy City feeling lost and confused. “If anyone can get a gun then what’s the point?” local criminal Duane “Big Boy” Jefferson said. “Having a piece made you feel like a man. Made you feel special. But now even my grammy is carrying. I mean, that just ain’t cool,” he added.

In a city that has been plagued with gun violence—one recent weekend saw seven murders by shooting—crime rates are expected to begin to ease. Criminals and felons are participating in the Toys For Guns program set up by the Chicago Police Department. “It’s been great since the ban was lifted,” Officer Carl DeMelo said. “Shootings are down. The streets are safer,” he said. Though not everything is looking bright. “Stabbings are up,” Officer DeMelo added. Still, he said, that is a small drawback to the bigger gain.

Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority opinion of the Court, wrote, “They say ‘If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.’ We believe this to be false; just the opposite should apply under the scope of the law.” Proponents of the ruling believe this to be a victory for the Second Amendment, as well as for citizens fearing for their safety. In fact, Chief Justice Roberts acknowledged reducing crime and getting criminals to give up their weapons was ultimately part of his plan. “If everyone’s doing something, it starts to get boring. It loses its status. People always want to move on to the next thing. And with guns, there is no next thing. Unless it’s flamethrowers,” the Justice wrote.

The basic issue of guns rights was at issue, and the Justices were not shy about tackling such a subject. “With more guns in more hands, it’s less likely people will be shot. There’s a detente,” Justice Antonin Scalia said. “If you know I’m packing, you don’t wanna mess with me. And that’s what the people of Chicago can now say. Moreso, I mean. Chicago’s a tough town,” he added. The Justice was indeed carrying a concealed .22 caliber pistol under his robes.

Still, there are those who object to the ruling. Writing for the minority, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said lifting the ban will do more harm than good. “It still stands that guns kill people, and people with guns kill even more,” the Justice remarked. “The hopes for a more peaceful Chicago, a more peaceful America, have been shot down. See what I did there?” she said.

While dismayed by the ruling, criminals in Chicago remain optimistic. “They’ve still got the automatic weapon ban,” Big Boy Johnson said. ”You’re still pretty fly when you’re rocking the AK-47.” 

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