"If I Went To The Gym Every Week I’d Look Great, Too" Declares Fatty

ATLANTA, GA – “If I went to the gym every week I’d look great, too,” area fatty Glen Buchwald declared. “Just give me maybe a couple of months and I’d be in perfect shape, no problem.”

The current obesity epidemic has made many Americans take a closer look in the mirror and reevaluate their health and body image. It was recently reported that a majority of eligible Americans would be unfit for duty were they to be drafted into the military. Mr. Buchwald, among others, believes such criticisms are unfounded.

“All it takes is a little exercise every now and then,” he said, reaching into his KFC Boneless Variety Bucket for another bite. “Put me on the treadmill—well, maybe the elliptical, my knees aren’t so good—and I’d slim down in no time.”

Health experts recommend dieting and moderate exercise at least three times a week to maintain a healthy weight, and Mr. Buchwald agrees. “It’s not rocket science and anyone can do it,” he said. “Don’t let people fool you who say it’s genetic or something like that. I’m sure if I worked the machines, did some free-weights, I’d start to look like Brad Pitt in a snap.”

Mr. Buchwald, like many Americans, explained that he did not belong to a gym mainly because he would be unable find the time to go. “And don’t get me started on those outrageous fees. I can work out for free outside,” he said. But, you know, I’ve just been busy. But once I get started there’s no stopping me!”

When asked why he remains overweight he responded, “Because I love to eat. Duh.”

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