LAS VEGAS, NV – The nation let out a forlorn sigh last night as it came to the sudden and devastating realization that it does not, in fact, have talent.
While the thought of America not having real talent had been gnawing at its conscience for some time, the truth was solidified when Arnie Schulz of Portland Oregon took the stage with his ventriloquism act “Arnie & Woody” and tried to win over the judges. “It was then I thought, ‘What am I doing? I’m actually no good at this,’” the nation collectively told reporters.
Ever since it was young, America had been told by its parents that it could achieve anything and that it was “special” and “talented.” “Whenever I felt discouraged, my mom would tell me to keep going, that I was really good. Like when I was learning to play the flute. She said I was a natural,” the country said. “But now, I think she was being a little too encouraging.”
Countries like America who are maturing into adulthood have been experiencing similar doubts about their worth, according to experts. The modern democracy of France, for example, continues to grapple with issues of confidence. “France is a good example. Everyone picks on it, makes fun of it. Whenever the going gets tough they retreat into themselves,” said Dr. Marcos Sheffield, sociologist at the University of Nebraska. “But since the country’s birth they were told they were different, they represented something new and exciting. This made them arrogant and self-assure, but their fears linger. Reconciling these two Frances is the beginning of the healing process,” the doctor continued.
“America, I’ve noticed, is similar,” Dr. Sheffield said. “For its first 150, 200 years they were told they were the greatest, they were the best. But now, in the larger world, America is realizing it might not be so special after all. This is causing some tension.”
Countries can often feel like they have wasted some years pursuing unattainable goals or honing talents that were never there, Dr. Sheffield said. Still, there are ways to overcome the feeling of ennui that eventually takes hold, and America remains optimistic about its future. “I’ve got some thinking to do, you know?” the country said. “Figure out what my next step is. Maybe I’ll travel a little, find myself. Or go back to school for, like, engineering or something useful.”
When asked if it would keep performing dance routines, singing duets, eating glass, and creating “Ode to Joy” with hand farts, America said, “Yeah, probably, for a little longer. I’ve been doing it this long, might as well keep going, right?”