Sinking Island Nation Admits: “We Never Took Swimming Lessons”

MALE, MALDIVES – The people of the island nation of Maldives recently admitted that they don’t know how to swim, despite fears that their country is quickly becoming submerged by rising oceans.

“We never took swimming lessons,” Maldives President Mohamed “Anni” Nasheed told reporters as he stood in ankle-deep waters of what used to be the roof of his presidential palace. “We just got by splashing around and doing the doggy paddle. You had to sign up for swim lessons, and who had time for that?” he added.

This picturesque island located in the Indian Ocean just south of India has been slowly sinking over the past couple of years. At first some scientists claimed overcrowding and obesity were to blame, but in recent months rising tides and the idea of global warming have begun to take hold in the locals’ minds. “They say melting glaciers are making us lose land,” area resident Ahmed Faraji said. “I used to think it was [his neighbor’s] constant watering of his oh-so precious lawn. Now look at him, he no longer has a lawn,” he said, forcing a laugh while trying to hold back tears.

Despite the recent hardships, President Nasheed believes his fellow citizens will soldier on. “We are preparing for the worst,” the president remarked. “We have ordered arm floaties and kickboards for women, children, and the enfeebled. The rest of us are practicing the Dead Man’s Float,” he added. If all else fails, the president added, he will move the nation to the nearby island of Sri Lanka. “That place probably has a couple years left before they go under. We’ll sign up for swim classes there, probably.”


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