Monthly Archives: June 2010

BP CEO Spills Ink In Fish Tank, Finally Understands Why Everyone So Upset

HOUSTON, TX – BP America CEO Tony Hayward accidentally dropped a fountain pen into his office fish tank and watched the ink spread across the water, finally making him realize why everyone is so upset about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. “It’s terrible,” Hayward said. “The fish are going to die, the tank is ruined. It’s a disaster and I’m responsible.” After a brief pause he added, “Oh well, I’ll just buy another one.”

Ban Lifted, Criminals Ditch Handguns For Being "Lame"

CHICAGO, IL – After the Supreme Court ruled that a handgun ban in the city of Chicago was unconstitutional, criminals in the city gave up their weapons because they were no longer cool.

The Supreme Court’s controversial 5-4 ruling on the ban has left thugs and robbers in the Windy City feeling lost and confused. “If anyone can get a gun then what’s the point?” local criminal Duane “Big Boy” Jefferson said. “Having a piece made you feel like a man. Made you feel special. But now even my grammy is carrying. I mean, that just ain’t cool,” he added.

In a city that has been plagued with gun violence—one recent weekend saw seven murders by shooting—crime rates are expected to begin to ease. Criminals and felons are participating in the Toys For Guns program set up by the Chicago Police Department. “It’s been great since the ban was lifted,” Officer Carl DeMelo said. “Shootings are down. The streets are safer,” he said. Though not everything is looking bright. “Stabbings are up,” Officer DeMelo added. Still, he said, that is a small drawback to the bigger gain.

Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority opinion of the Court, wrote, “They say ‘If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.’ We believe this to be false; just the opposite should apply under the scope of the law.” Proponents of the ruling believe this to be a victory for the Second Amendment, as well as for citizens fearing for their safety. In fact, Chief Justice Roberts acknowledged reducing crime and getting criminals to give up their weapons was ultimately part of his plan. “If everyone’s doing something, it starts to get boring. It loses its status. People always want to move on to the next thing. And with guns, there is no next thing. Unless it’s flamethrowers,” the Justice wrote.

The basic issue of guns rights was at issue, and the Justices were not shy about tackling such a subject. “With more guns in more hands, it’s less likely people will be shot. There’s a detente,” Justice Antonin Scalia said. “If you know I’m packing, you don’t wanna mess with me. And that’s what the people of Chicago can now say. Moreso, I mean. Chicago’s a tough town,” he added. The Justice was indeed carrying a concealed .22 caliber pistol under his robes.

Still, there are those who object to the ruling. Writing for the minority, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said lifting the ban will do more harm than good. “It still stands that guns kill people, and people with guns kill even more,” the Justice remarked. “The hopes for a more peaceful Chicago, a more peaceful America, have been shot down. See what I did there?” she said.

While dismayed by the ruling, criminals in Chicago remain optimistic. “They’ve still got the automatic weapon ban,” Big Boy Johnson said. ”You’re still pretty fly when you’re rocking the AK-47.” 

BP CEO Spills Ink In Fish Tank, Finally Understands Why Everyone So Upset

HOUSTON, TX – BP America CEO Tony Hayward accidentally dropped a fountain pen into his office fish tank and watched the ink spread across the water, finally making him realize why everyone is so upset about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. “It’s terrible,” Hayward said. “The fish are going to die, the tank is ruined. It’s a disaster and I’m responsible.” After a brief pause he added, “Oh well, I’ll just buy another one.”

Ban Lifted, Criminals Ditch Handguns For Being "Lame"

CHICAGO, IL – After the Supreme Court ruled that a handgun ban in the city of Chicago was unconstitutional, criminals in the city gave up their weapons because they were no longer cool.

The Supreme Court’s controversial 5-4 ruling on the ban has left thugs and robbers in the Windy City feeling lost and confused. “If anyone can get a gun then what’s the point?” local criminal Duane “Big Boy” Jefferson said. “Having a piece made you feel like a man. Made you feel special. But now even my grammy is carrying. I mean, that just ain’t cool,” he added.

In a city that has been plagued with gun violence—one recent weekend saw seven murders by shooting—crime rates are expected to begin to ease. Criminals and felons are participating in the Toys For Guns program set up by the Chicago Police Department. “It’s been great since the ban was lifted,” Officer Carl DeMelo said. “Shootings are down. The streets are safer,” he said. Though not everything is looking bright. “Stabbings are up,” Officer DeMelo added. Still, he said, that is a small drawback to the bigger gain.

Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority opinion of the Court, wrote, “They say ‘If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.’ We believe this to be false; just the opposite should apply under the scope of the law.” Proponents of the ruling believe this to be a victory for the Second Amendment, as well as for citizens fearing for their safety. In fact, Chief Justice Roberts acknowledged reducing crime and getting criminals to give up their weapons was ultimately part of his plan. “If everyone’s doing something, it starts to get boring. It loses its status. People always want to move on to the next thing. And with guns, there is no next thing. Unless it’s flamethrowers,” the Justice wrote.

The basic issue of guns rights was at issue, and the Justices were not shy about tackling such a subject. “With more guns in more hands, it’s less likely people will be shot. There’s a detente,” Justice Antonin Scalia said. “If you know I’m packing, you don’t wanna mess with me. And that’s what the people of Chicago can now say. Moreso, I mean. Chicago’s a tough town,” he added. The Justice was indeed carrying a concealed .22 caliber pistol under his robes.

Still, there are those who object to the ruling. Writing for the minority, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said lifting the ban will do more harm than good. “It still stands that guns kill people, and people with guns kill even more,” the Justice remarked. “The hopes for a more peaceful Chicago, a more peaceful America, have been shot down. See what I did there?” she said.

While dismayed by the ruling, criminals in Chicago remain optimistic. “They’ve still got the automatic weapon ban,” Big Boy Johnson said. ”You’re still pretty fly when you’re rocking the AK-47.” 

"If I Went To The Gym Every Week I’d Look Great, Too" Declares Fatty

ATLANTA, GA – “If I went to the gym every week I’d look great, too,” area fatty Glen Buchwald declared. “Just give me maybe a couple of months and I’d be in perfect shape, no problem.”

The current obesity epidemic has made many Americans take a closer look in the mirror and reevaluate their health and body image. It was recently reported that a majority of eligible Americans would be unfit for duty were they to be drafted into the military. Mr. Buchwald, among others, believes such criticisms are unfounded.

“All it takes is a little exercise every now and then,” he said, reaching into his KFC Boneless Variety Bucket for another bite. “Put me on the treadmill—well, maybe the elliptical, my knees aren’t so good—and I’d slim down in no time.”

Health experts recommend dieting and moderate exercise at least three times a week to maintain a healthy weight, and Mr. Buchwald agrees. “It’s not rocket science and anyone can do it,” he said. “Don’t let people fool you who say it’s genetic or something like that. I’m sure if I worked the machines, did some free-weights, I’d start to look like Brad Pitt in a snap.”

Mr. Buchwald, like many Americans, explained that he did not belong to a gym mainly because he would be unable find the time to go. “And don’t get me started on those outrageous fees. I can work out for free outside,” he said. But, you know, I’ve just been busy. But once I get started there’s no stopping me!”

When asked why he remains overweight he responded, “Because I love to eat. Duh.”

"If I Went To The Gym Every Week I’d Look Great, Too" Declares Fatty

ATLANTA, GA – “If I went to the gym every week I’d look great, too,” area fatty Glen Buchwald declared. “Just give me maybe a couple of months and I’d be in perfect shape, no problem.”

The current obesity epidemic has made many Americans take a closer look in the mirror and reevaluate their health and body image. It was recently reported that a majority of eligible Americans would be unfit for duty were they to be drafted into the military. Mr. Buchwald, among others, believes such criticisms are unfounded.

“All it takes is a little exercise every now and then,” he said, reaching into his KFC Boneless Variety Bucket for another bite. “Put me on the treadmill—well, maybe the elliptical, my knees aren’t so good—and I’d slim down in no time.”

Health experts recommend dieting and moderate exercise at least three times a week to maintain a healthy weight, and Mr. Buchwald agrees. “It’s not rocket science and anyone can do it,” he said. “Don’t let people fool you who say it’s genetic or something like that. I’m sure if I worked the machines, did some free-weights, I’d start to look like Brad Pitt in a snap.”

Mr. Buchwald, like many Americans, explained that he did not belong to a gym mainly because he would be unable find the time to go. “And don’t get me started on those outrageous fees. I can work out for free outside,” he said. But, you know, I’ve just been busy. But once I get started there’s no stopping me!”

When asked why he remains overweight he responded, “Because I love to eat. Duh.”

Possibility of Rain Briefly Saves Conversation

PITTSBURGH, PA – The possibility of rain later in the day briefly revitalized a lagging conversation between two coworkers this afternoon as they were riding an elevator together.

At first the conversation had started well, according to one coworker. But after discussing the latest IT memo the two struggled to find topics to talk about. Even though the elevator ride was only 14 floors and took less than a minute, the awkward silence was palpable, according to the other coworker. Luckily, the chance of evening showers as reported by the morning news made descending the last few floors bearable, both later admitted.